roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
