Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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