He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
