I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
