you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
