omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
