I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
