google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
