I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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