God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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