my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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