Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
This is my gift to your gina
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
