Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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