and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize