My cat gives me a boner
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
