when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
