I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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