I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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