Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
