god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I need water and some morals
Randomize