listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize