You smell like stripper and shame
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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