i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
