I could have mohawked her pubes.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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