Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
