she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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