I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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