I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
