You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
