actually, I'm a sock model
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
