I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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