so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
