Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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