Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize