i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
