If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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