Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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