I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
