Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
