party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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