so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
