i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
