it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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