Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
