Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
is wine microwaveable?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
