i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
