I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
