I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
love makes seman taste better
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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