Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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