Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
