Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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