he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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