there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We need a shit load of segways right now
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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