My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
