I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my vag is so smooth its legendary
this beer tastes like vomit already
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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