According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
