I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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