Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
