Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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