I feel like abortions should bother me more
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize