In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize